Seven Billion People, Nowhere to Hide

Perseverance, doing something despite difficulty in order to achieve success. What qualifies something as difficult? It differs person to person. For me, I struggle to be around peopl, even people I have known for a long time. I feel as though everyone is staring at me, judging, even though I know no one is even glancing in my direction. All those eyes on me, I’m bound to do something ridiculous. I spent all of my middle school and high school career afraid to be myself and always trying to impress the other kids. It never worked and I made a bigger fool of myself than I ever could have by being myself, but still fear of disappointing random people is a fear of mine. I worked so hard at  trying to making people like and accept me and it didn’t work. I took two years to find myself and where I came from after high school because I was terrified of going to college. What would the other students say when I asked a question they thought was stupid? Would anyone talk to me? All of these questions swirled in my head. I was terrified. I knew I didn’t want to spend my college career kissing up to people and doing what I thought everyone wanted me to do, but how do I be myself and have enough confidence and strength. I decided to just take the plunge. My first semester I took three classes. I took math, history and psychology. I figured three classes to get adjusted to the school setting again. I loved my classes. I loved the topics. I had always been great at math and psychology. History I was good at but never found an interest in. First day of class, the most dreaded day for me. The day where you have to introduce yourself to the class. My first class was psychology, my professor finally called in me to introduce myself. “Hi, my name is Desirae. This is my first year at BCC and I have no idea what I want to study.” It felt like those tiny sentences took hours to come out. I could have even sworn I heard chuckles when I said I had no idea what to study. I sank back into my seat. The other classes went the same way, making me feel little and that I never should have come to school.  As the semester went on I became very interested in my psychology class, even sharing ideas and stories with the class. I started to feel safe even with all the people around me. The interest in learning about the subject made the people around me easier to handle. It wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns though. My math class proved to be a bit tougher to handle. My professor quickly found out I was good at math. I then was constantly called to the board to show the other students how to do the problems. I could feel the hate from their eyes as I solved the problem. To make matters worse the professor once said,”If anyone has questions, ask her.” I was mortified. A few weeks into that class and I was already being called upon regularly. The stares, whether there or not really got to me. I stopped coming for a few classes. I couldn’t handle it. When I went back to math I was so far behind and I couldn’t catch up. I failed math. Failed. I failed only one class in my lifetime before. This was when I realized and became strong enough to say to myself that I am in college for myself, no one else. I knew I could do it because I had been doing it in psychology.  By the end of psychology class  I was comfortable talking about controversial topics with the class. I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t care if they didn’t agree. I was starting to be myself. By the time the second semester began I knew I had to be me for me. I couldn’t fail another class because of people. Although I am still shy I show up and participate. Its a struggle everyday I go to class. I just keep the goal of passing and bettering my life in my head. I know that I will never quite feel comfortable in front of strangers, but by pushing through it I become better at interacting with people on a daily basis, even people I know well. Striving for just a little ease and pushing threw the pain to achieve my goals. That is the exact definition of perseverance.

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